I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize