He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
