hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
