How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
