I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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