fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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