oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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