You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
