you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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