his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
