I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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