You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
