I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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