I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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