I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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