You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
