Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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