I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
