When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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