porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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