Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
