I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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