Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
soo... how was my night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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