Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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