last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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