At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
