I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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