Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
