Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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