Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
