Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
