the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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