This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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