At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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