I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
