I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
