I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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