i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
