If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
