I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
