I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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