its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
