There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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