I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
