I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
