At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Text me some of your sweat
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
