then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
