she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I showed him my bush... on skype.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
