I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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