for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
